Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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