this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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