I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
