So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
