i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
