Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
high people should be assigned attendants
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize