don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
