I wanna bring you to show and tell
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So many bounce houses so little time
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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