I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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