I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
