I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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