$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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