Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
