Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
