I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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