My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
