Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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