He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize