I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
