So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize