I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
