someone threw a dead crab at me
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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