In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
