Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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