Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize