and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
