she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
home. puking in laundry basket.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
