All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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