Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
