Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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