Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
