The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
