drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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