She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
