Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
