If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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