Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
