We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
