Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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