Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
