1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
