rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
