wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
