I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
it hurts more in the daytime
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
