You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
