she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
