Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize