who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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