I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize