wanna go halves on a baby?
just tell him i said nine months
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
