She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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