she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
