Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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