Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize