fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
