also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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