Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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