I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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