i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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