I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
