thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
