4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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