Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
