my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
