i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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