I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
