I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
