I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
