If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
