So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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