I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This house was built for laser tag.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
